Donald Trump’s impeachment went exactly as everyone knew it would, with the president and his Republican allies thwarting fact finding opportunities at every possible turn and hustling towards the his inevitable acquittal. But what if it had gone differently? What if the trial had been held in the tough but fair courtroom of a beloved TV judge? Saturday Night Live’s cold open last night transported the impeachment trial to the court of Judge Mathis (Kenan Thompson), who declared that, “we are calling witnesses, because that’s how a damn trial works.”
“I just want to remind the American people that are men are innocent after proven guilty,” said Mitch McConnell (Beck Bennett).
They were joined by Kate McKinnon as Lindsey Graham, who’s realized that his reelection hinges on kissing “Mr. Trump’s grits and tickling his biscuits.”
“So you’re not worried about how this will go down in history?” asked Thompson.
“Look, where I come from we have our own history books, and on the cover a T-Rex is handing a Confederate Flag to Jesus,” replied McKinnon.
Then, it was time for the witnesses, with Thompson demanding that John Bolton (Cecily Strong) get his “Lorax-ass” in the courtroom. (He dropped that book except so late in the day, Strong said, because he’s “a messy bitch who loves drama.”)
Alec Baldwin also appeared for one of his increasingly timeworn Trump cameos, but the highlight was Pete Davidson’s turn as Hunter Biden. He rolled into court on a hoverboard while hitting a vape pen, and said that his new job was working on the board of a Brazilian money laundering firm called “Nepotismo.”
“So you admit you only got the job because of your father?” asked Thompson.
“That’s right, I’d been selling Biden steaks from my office at the top of Biden Tower, and letting foreign leaders stay at Biden-a-Lago,” said Davidson. “No wait, that’s the president’s sons.”